Hogwarts or HIghschool?
by mschmnged
Summary: yes, harry and draco are fighting like normal hereosexuall rivals again. but will they stay hereosexual at they're new school? draco takes an intrest in opera, harry becomes badass, and dumbledore gets a delllaptop!
1. letter from DaDa

"bubble bath, bubble bath, why do you bubble?"

echoing with opera music, the expensive stone bathroom housed a huge kig bed sized hot tub spilling over with purfumed rainbow bubbles and pink colored hot water. Slashing and singing in the middle of a bubble tower, hogwarts hottest blonde lathered his fair pale skin with luxury lotions and expoliators. the candleswhich flickered soft yellow lights in the room, adding shine to the boy's silky hair, smelled of rich vannila. his gray eyes calmed as the storms within resided and, to boast his good mood, resorted to opera, as you just heard. as he inhaled the incense, "hot dictator", he almost forgot to exhale as his favorite part in the song started.

" bubbly bubbly bubbbly booooba! sniffit up your bubbly nose! bubbly bubbly bubbbly boooba! blow the bubbly through my toessss!"

suddenly a rather annoyed 'hoot' sounded from a small window, and when he turned around in the overfolwing tub, he looked to see a very hateful glare from his fathers hawk owl, Malpericio, dripping with pink bubbles.

"opps! sooo... what do you have for me today?"

grasping the parchment from the owls foot in a freshly dried hand, he stepped out, stark naked. wisking strands of white blonde hair from his shining pale forhead, he read;

Draco, my Heir,  
Bad news. im in azcaban because dumbledore, the damn bastard, founds some intense information on me working with you-know-who. your mothers in intensifed care and im sealing away our griggots vault, with alot of our possetions, and sealing away the house for a bit too. you'll have to stay at Hogwarts for a long while. dont get expelled because of that damn potter boy. watch yourself, stay on top. your father

Draco just stood there, chilled water dripping off his exposed body, gray eyes wide with fear.

"oh...shit no..."

accidentally crumpling the fancy parchment, he rushed to the tub and drained it of its sweet containts, grabbed his green dragon komono, and hurried out the bathroom door. he knew where he was going, but not what he was going to do when he got there.


	2. pissed boxers

thump thump thump thump...

"ohgodohgodohgod.."

the corridors seem awfully long at night when you have something important to do. its too cold, too dark and too damn long for comfort. his green eyes darted to see every courner, every shadow as he walked with a quickened pace. his thin worn out slippers slapped the floors loudly, but he dared not take them off. god knows what he stepped in earlier. adorned in a body tight black knit tank which hugged his every quiddich muscle and a pair of very loose black cotton boxers sagged from his hips. Harry Potter ran couciously through the nightriddenhalls, thank god, no filch. not yet anyway... then something shining pale in the moonlight, in flittering green... bathrobes? darted out in front of him. harry about pissed his boxers in fright.


	3. nudist ancestors

"What the hell?"   
Refraining from yelling, Harry strained his eyes through the dark to see the face as it turned to him like a deer in headlights.   
"P-potter?"  
"Yeah… Malfoy? That you?"  
"Yeah," then, like a switch, his voice turned into his old drawl.  
"What are YOU doing up this late, Potter?"  
"Going to Dumbledore's, but its none of your beeswax." Harry snarled back. The blonde frowned.  
"That's exactly where I'm going."  
"Why? You started your menstrual cycle and don't know what to do? Go away, Malfoy, I go first."  
His icy eyes flamed and Draco snarled,  
"Nice bowers, Potter, can they go any lower?"  
"I'm sure you'd love that, Malfoy, but my nightwear doesn't compare to yours. Were your ancestors nudists, or are you just stupid enough not to tie up your bathrobe?"  
"Wha…?" Sure enough, when Draco looked down, a pair of creamy thighs greeted him… along with a friend. Quickly shutting his robes, he snapped back, blushing,  
"Stop ogling and get your candy ass moving the other way!" as soon as these words slipped from his mouth, the loud sound of a huge stone gargoyle jumping aside thundered through the darkened halls. Both turning from their verbal duel, they saw they had been outside the door to Dumbledore's office the whole time. A moment of silence and shock came and passed as a tempered cry of Filch. Harry and Draco sprang into action and both tried to cram themselves into the staircase doorway at the same time, failing miserably.  
"move it, Potter, I figured out the password!"  
"'Candy ass' is hardly a password, YOU move it, Malfoy!"  
"Move or I'll grab you where it counts!"  
"I'm sure you would even if I didn't, you homo!" Harry laughed.  
"WHAT?"  
"that's right, you girly smelling ferret!" finally both managed to cram onto the stairs, bickering as the gargoyle moved back into place and filch, fuming, about Peeve's mashed potatoes and coconut escapade, cleared the corner.


	4. Dumbie's Delltop

A Dell muggle laptop whirred as Dumbledore tapped in a search;

"let me see… type? Humor…with some fluff, of coarse. Rated? Deffinatly R… book? Humn… tough… lets do Harry Potter…yeah. Chapters? Oh any will do… character 1? Draco… and what would he be without character numero 2; Harry?..."

a screen flashed up, showing a long list of PWP fanfics. Scanning the list, he selected a funny looking one entitled,

"Hogwarts or Highschool?" chuckling, he whispered to himself,

"yessss, Im a naughty old man… hey! This gives me an idea…hehe!"

suddenly the large old oak doors in his circular office blasted open and the schools two hansome horrors ran in, pinching, pushing, and poking eachother.

"PROFESSOR!" they both screamed, glaring deathly mind spells at each other.

"what did I say Malfoy? I go first!"

"we can pass up golden boy's problems for a while, you tool!"

"fuck off Malfoy, we can deal with your with your girly mood swings AFTER ME!"

"you can your smart ass remarks up my ass, POTTER!"

"don't force your sick fantasies on ME, you fag!"

"I swear to…"

Dumbledore blinked in confussion and piped up,

"um, boys?"

"WHAT?" both turned and stared more murderous than Voldimort himself. Hell, fifty of him. Puffing up his chest and trying to look tough, he roughly questioned,

"didn't I just expel you boys?" instant scilence.

Harry and Draco face's fell in dispare as they remembered why they were just expelled…


	5. snakes and claws

Millions of slimy vile smashed against the flagstone floors, spilling their unidentified containers. Students, as if in slow motion, open their mouths in screams and fled, parchment and quills flying. Desks upturned, chairs toppled, and expensive looking objects broke, as two opposing students claw and tore at each other.

"I HATE YOU!"

"I HATE YOU MORE!"

Slitherin and Gryffindor blood mixed as it gushed from the small flesh wounds they inflicted upon each other, robes tore, and cut lips snarled.

"POTTER! MALFOY! OUT! OUT! OUT OF MY CLASSROOM THIS INSTANT!"

Snape had snapped like a rubber band. His precious classroom, being smashed into smithereens before him, in the hands of his hated Harry Potter and his favorite Draco Malfoy. Both did no such thing to move and continued to rip each other up, spewing all sorts of colorful words. And Snape thought he'd heard them all… then the worst happened. Potter and Malfoy started to fall with great speed towards a special nose reduceding potion which he had been working on for two years and a half. The contains were also extremely flammable and a flaming torch fell on top of the sticky mess. In seconds his classroom was on fire. Snape counted to five.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPH! Lucky for him, it was also extremely explosive.

That exact same day, birds flew, monkeys howled as they leaped away, and a wide verity of reptiles slithered away from their broken gold cages. All because Harry and Draco were at it again.

"How DARE you make EYE CONTACT with ME?"

"You call yourself a seeker? Peepers more like it!"

"At least I can keep a girl long enough to…!"

"SHUTUPYOUSICKSLITHERINBASTARD!"

chalk dust rose as Harry slammed Draco into the chalk board. McGonagall, heart on the verge of dying out, crumpled to the floor, squashing a star nosed mole.

It was a day for history in Bin's class. No one, NO one, slept in that class on this day. Instead, they all fled and coward under desks as Harry and Draco screamed very threating things at each other across the room like,

"Would you rather I give you a black eye, or cut off your left nut? Take your pick, Malfoy!"

"STAYAWAYFROMMYBEAUTIFULFACE!"

Yet Bins continued on the great lesson on the yam tribe and their mating rituals. As if nothing was going on.

"Wingardium Leviousa!"

"OW! YOU BASTARD! WINGARDIUM LEVIOUSA! WINGARDIUM…!"

Flitwick squealed and toppled off his stack of manga books as a quill drove a 5 inch hole into the wall behind him. Sharp, deadly objects flew so fast around the newly deserted room, it could decapitate a hippogriff. Words just as sharp were tossed back and forth as well.

/ ah well/ flitwick thought beneath his desk,

/at least they've mastered over 20 hexes, summoning, and levitation charms, I'll give them that…/

Mandrakes shrieked as they toppled from their shattered pots. The deadliest plants shriveled back in fear and the weakest had died hours before. The fight between the best looking continued their saga of war as Harry, straddling Draco, attempted to suffocate him with the pink ear muffs.

Orbs, cups, teacups, telescopes, and other mystical objects broke as Harry and Draco tried to paper cut each other to death with tarot cards blah blah blah blah.

"BASTARD!" blah "SNAKE!" blah "CANDYASS!" blah "FRERRET!"…

In Defense against the dark arts… they couldn't do anything because there was no teacher. Lockhart, just out of St. Mungo's, was sent right back at his worst nightmare… black eyes, bruises, and ugly cuts and welts. Beauty withdrawal is not a pretty thing for him. Their beauty…ruined… the horror…

So instead they were all sent to dinner early, and just like lunch, brunch, snack, and breakfast, Harry and Draco started up a huge school food fight… just between themselves. Everyone else was too chicken shit.

You might as well skip the care and keeping of Hagrid's magical critters, because Potter and Malfoy were just as chicken shit about getting on Hagrids bad side. Who knows what kind of demented creature he'd send on them.

Instead, they set millions of very destructive booby traps for each other at quiddich practice, causing Madame Pomphry to go into a babbling fit about,

"Blood… so much… BLOODY TERRIORISTS!" or something or another.

When they finally went to bed, they fought in their dreams, causing lots of damage to the dormitories, ripping up curtains, bed sheets, and the beds themselves, causing a lot of mental damage to their roommates too.


	6. harry's lovers, draco's haters

Both flinched at the remembrance of their evil doings.

"This 'little' quarrel is really going to cost me big gallons, boys. Not everything can be fixed with a little magic."

Dumbledore scorned, bushy white eyebrows furrowed.

"I had hoped we could ignore this conversation by me just sending my letters, but apparently that didn't work."

Harry suddenly looked concerned.

"We aren't distracting you from anything really important, are we? Hey… is that a laptop? What website is that?"

Dumbledore slammed the laptop shut and flung it, knocking Fawlks off his perch.

"No, no, nothing important!"

Draco, very baffled at this, finally spoke up as something soaked in.

"Wait a minute Professor… what letter? What do you mean… expelled?"

"I mean just what I said, Malfoy. I just expelled you both for your destructive actions through the letters I sent you tonight. You both crossed the line. Very much so."

Draco was even more baffled than before.

"Letter… I never got it…"

Harry looked ready to point at him and laugh, but thought the better of it for his situation. Dumbledore, now worried, beckoned to a portrait of an owl.

"Go and find out what happened to the owl I sent to Mr. Malfoy, ASAP."

The acrylic owl hooted and flew off though many assorted paintings.

"ASAP? WHAT THE HELL?"

all of this crap was too much for Draco's pure blood brain, as smart as it is. Meanwhile, Harry was looking pretty smug about how he knew a hell of a lot more about the situation than Draco did. Thank god he lives with this muggle shit. It really helps.

"As fast as possible, Malfoy."

"Do what as fast as possible? I don't know what you're asking of me! Just answer my question!"

"no, no, Mr. Malfoy, its an abbreviation!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS AN ABBREVIATION?"

Harry had to laugh now. And he couldn't just stop at laughing, he had a laugh attack. Harry couldn't breathe, and caused splinters to fly as he whacked his head on the polished desk. Draco just looked so confused and pissed off (not a good mix), and he really wasn't understanding what was going on, and Harry REALLY wasn't helping.

Dumbledore, really truly trying to explain this muggle stuff (that he learned from and was relieved when the paint owl fluttered into a portrait of the sulking Salazar Slitherin. The owl talked to the snake on his shoulder, whom talked to Salazar, who talked to Dumbledore.

"Your stupid pigeons," he drawled, "was beat to Mr. Malfoy's window by a hawk owl and is now a pile of chop suey right now."

Dumbledore scowled. Its just like Lucuis to train his owls to be murderous.

Draco, face gone from confused and pissed to determined and pissed, was finally beginning to hear things he understood. Slamming a piece of parchment on Dumbledore's desk, he fumed,

"That's why I'm here, professor! My father just sent this letter. I cant be expelled! I need an explanation!"

Albus scanned it over and gave a sigh.

"dammit." He muttered, "I shouldn't have given Sirius that information. I knew he'd get rational… Lupin's supposed to keep him in check…"

Draco's and Harry's eyes shot open.

"Professor! You're not supposed to say his name al…"

"WHO? WHO GOT THAT INFORMATION?"

"Uh… Criterious. I said Criterious put it under my name!"

sweating through his lavender star robes, he got lucky that Draco's not THAT smart. He could see Harry was very serious now. So he decided this was a good time to be even more so himself.

"Look I'm very sorry, Mr. Malfoy, but what you too have done is too much. Some things can't be fixed! Madame Hooch, poor gal, saw more balls than she thought possible when she had to storm the boy's locker room to separate you too! All I can do is help you start your new life on a good foot."

Suddenly Harry's and Draco's wands apperiated in Dumbledore's hands and he snapped them in to with a little bit of magic. He could never have done it bare handed. Harry stood there dumbfounded and Draco's eyes began to twitch.

"There! That's a good start! Now I was going to send you both to an all boys academy, but there's some obvious downs to that. I was going to send you to the one where your cousin Dudley goes to, but it was just closed because one of the male teachers, Jackson or something, was molesting the boys. There's another reason I'll show…tell you later. Anyway, I'm going to send you to the well known public school, Stonewall High!"

Harry choked. Draco tried to think of what he ment by 'public'.

"Professor! S-Stonewall! Are you serious? Do you mean I'll be… in school with Dudley? Fuck that, LIVING with them! Cant…cant you send us to a school like…Lowell or something?"

"Um… well yes and no. I kinda slipped up there for a second… I mean, the new and improved Privet Stonewall High! It was redone after Smelting was closed so that it now has dorms for girls and boys. So you won't technically be living with the Durslys… you'll just… be in the same 24/7 school as Dudley that's all…"

"THAT'S ALL? THAT'S FUCKING ALL? OH MY GOD THIS IS INSA…"

"Wait a minute! A MUGGLE school?"

Harry stopped waving his arms around madly and snapped,

"of coarse, dumbass, what, did you think it was Durmstrang?"

even though Dumbledore had snapped their wands in two, he still felt as if in extreme danger…, he was defiantly playing with fire.

"There is a catch though…"

Harry and Draco stopped bitch slapping each other and looked at him apprehensively.

"Harry, you are much loved by the witches and wizards around the globe, so we don't have to much to worry about… but Draco…um…witches and wizards around the globe hate volimort… and your father kinda worked for him so… you aren't really safe. We're going to need to disguise you."

Draco relaxed. Sort of.

"Oh, so I need a mushtasha or something?"

"Um… 'something' like that… let me show you a part of your costume…"

and with a flick of his wand, Dumbledore muttered something under his breath… and nothing happened. Draco looked at him more confused than ever. Then, in a split second, he fell over face first, crumpling to the floor.

"AW FUCK! WHAT THE HELL?"

Dumbledore peered over his desk and Harry gave Draco a little kick in the side.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

struggling to sit up on the marble floor, Draco revealed… two VERY large heavyweights were planted to his chest, bursting through his ripping green bathrobe.

Harry blinked and realizing what he was staring at, whispered,

"B-b-breasts?"


	7. hello Mr Stiffy!

"What? WHATTHEHELL?" Draco screamed staring down at his larger than life cleavage.

Harry just stood there, staring like any guy would.

"Well whadaya know," he whispered, "he DID have menstrual problems…"

"Um… if you two didn't guess what his disguise is… it's a woman."

"I FICKIN NOTICED!"

"So…have I…" Harry breathed.

"I'm afraid that's the only really effective costume…"

"FOR WHO?"

"…I could think of…"

"I'M GOING TO CRY!"

"…for your new school…"

"I'M GOING TO BAWL MY FUCKING EYES OUT!"

"…with Mr. Potter in your current situation."

"I KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE ME SUFFER!"

Harry took a hold of this situation. Literally.

"Here… let me hold you, it will make you feel better…"

Draco shoved Harry into a weird floating thing and grabbed his new dead weights, shaking them, screaming,

"DAMMIT, I DON'T WANT THESE!"

Harry about died. They were bigger than Pamela Anderson's for fucks sake.

Draco, because he took his hands off the marble floor, lost his balance and fell over with a 'wump!'

Dumbledore frowned and asked,

"Are they too big?"


	8. double the fun

"I hate you. I hate you so much Potter. I'm a fucking bitch because of you. A girl, Potter, a girl. You just had to be the loved one. The golden boy everyone loves. Everyone hates me. They hate me so much, I have to be a fucking girl. This is your entire fault Potter. All your fucking fault…"Draco had been rambling on like this for hours now. Fully transformed by a tricky spell, he had very long straight blonde hair and thick long lashes than before. His new thick juicy lips pouted and he had crossed his thin shaved womanish legs as if to cover up the fact he has no balls anymore. A slim waist graced his torso and he still had a huge chest, even though Dumbledore was kind enough to bring it down to a size double D.  
"…this sucks Potter, and it's all your fault. What am I supposed to fuck there? Muggles? No, I can't even do that. You know why? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS! Whose fault is that? YOURS, YOU BASTARD! So what are…" Harry, sitting on the opposite side of the train compartment, just toned out Draco's threatening words and just smiled while nodding his head. what was he agreeing to? He really want to point and laugh and say something like;  
"YOU ARE SOOO SCREWED!" or "YOU ARE SO GOING TO BE SCREWED INSTEAD! HAHA!" but #1, both sounded kind of lame (but that DOES piss Malfoy off…) and #2, he didn't want to chance losing 'those'. Even if Malfoy was his worst enemy, he could just take a leaf out of Malfoy's book and not really give a damn about who's they are.  
"…Come on Harry! The guys will be TOUCHING me! Do you know how wrong that is? How sick that is? Have you even given thought…"  
Well, Harry heard that. There goes his chance. Maybe he could 'accidentally' fall out of my seat because of 'dementors' and 'accidentally' end up in his bosom… whoa! I can't call him 'him' anymore. Our life at Hogwarts really IS over!  
"You know what I'm going through? I…"  
"Draco, wait!" shocked that Harry had interrupted his mourning period, he sat there, mouth gaping.  
"Draco, this means no more Hogwarts! No more house elves, room of requirement, ghosts, baskaliks, secret rooms, flying books, dragons, hippogriffs, skrewts, hogsmeade, platform 9 and three quarters, Diagon ally, filch, three broomsticks, quidditch, potions, divination, great halls, 3 man sized pumpkins, wizards duel, womping willows, forbidden forests, school uniforms, goblets, house points, four poster beds, owls, magic of any sort, goblin history, transforming, charms, mad eye moody, voldimort, Azkaban, defense against the dark arts, Dumbledore, Cornelius fudge, fizzing wizzbees, porketys, world championships, durmstrang, unicorns, frieze, Bane, newts eyes, crystal orbs, OWLS, NEWTS, apperiating, monster book of monsters, Snape, nellvile, dancing skeletons, Ron, Hermione, pure bloods, snitches, Goyal, Crabbe, Mourning Myrtle, peeves, knights of armor, Mrs. Norris, Butterbeer, blood flavored lollipops, love struck half giants, valentine gnomes, Ginny, Christmas sweaters, invisibility cloaks, time turners, Sirius black, Avery Knott, rats like scabbers, wizards chess, mirror of erised, turbans of death, quills, galleons, dragons, howlers, house colors, towers, Yule balls, oh for fucks sake, NO QUIDDITCH!" Draco still sat there, stupefied. Then, as it all sunk in, he… I mean she, grasped Harry by the shoulders in shock and shook him roughly.  
"OMG NO PUREBLOODS!"  
"Wha… THAT'S ALL?"  
"Wait a minute… turbans of death? Where was i?"  
"THINK OF THE QUIDDITCH, MALFOY!"  
"THINK OF THE PUREBLOODS, POTTER!"  
"You are so…"  
"Oh shit, Harry, do you know how many virgins I left virgins? Can you even begin to consider the emotions I'm going through right now?" IM A FUCKING GIRL BECAUSE OF YOU!"  
"You know… I can't call you Draco now. Not like I ever did before, but it's a guy's name." Draco began to shake Harry again and screamed,  
"OMG, YOUR RIGHT POTTER! GIMMIE A NAME!" luckily Harry was in a good mood for shaking because when Draco shook him, 'Draco' shook too.  
"Well… I donno… maybe… Traco? Mraco? Craco? Btaco? Taco?..."  
"YOURNOTHELPING!"  
"Make one up yourself then!"  
"FINE! I will! I'll be… Marloo."  
"That's a funny…"  
"SHUT UP!"  
"What about Marla?"  
"What if I just shove your ideas up your ass?"  
"Or if you just stick to Draca?"  
"Um…"  
"Or Drama? Or Madra? Take your pick…"  
"DRAMA? YOU BASTARD! ARE YOU CALLING ME A DRAMA QUEEN?"  
"Uh…no?"  
"STOP STARING AT MY CHEST YOU JACKASS! IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT? DO YOU NOT CARE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW?"  
Harry sighed and put on a comforting face.  
"No. your just stressed, Draco. Come here. You need a hug."  
"What the fuck, Potter, your not serious, are you?"  
"I'm serious. You'll feel much better when embraced."  
"…"  
Draco apprehensively moved to the seat beside Harry and let Harry wrap his arms around his slim frame.  
"This better as Hell make me feel better, Potter."  
Harry just smiled as Draco pressed up against his chest.  
"Oh," he breathed, smirking, "it will…" /if not just me…/


End file.
